Thoughts by Jen

“I’m Really in Love with Two People”

“Who is Love?” is intended as an investigative series in which I attempt to analyze the idea of love and sexuality and where they intersect in someone’s life. And at that intersection – inspect the impact on how we use our experiences to formulate our personal identity. My intention is to interview people and really hear their stories… to have a true, in-depth conversation about who they are, what they’ve experienced in the realm of love and sex, and how that experience has impacted their life choices and the way they see themselves.

In the first post of the series, I wrote about my own story and what drove me to question whether or not our identity is intertwined with our sexual experiences. I’ve never felt normal in this arena, and I began to wonder if anyone truly does? There are so many of us, and so many stories – is it even possible to pretend there is such a thing as normal?

Because of my history, I’ve thought a lot about the impacts that sexual trauma has had on me throughout my formative years and how it formulated who I am today. Does that happen to everyone? Is sexuality a part of who we are? Does it have a hand in the formation of how we identify with ourselves? And if it does – to what degree?

To start this project, I sought out a few folks and asked if they’d be willing to share their thoughts on the topic so I can write about it, and see if there might be a baseline of what is normal with regard to sexuality and identity – or if normalcy is even real.

As Alain De Botton said in a podcast interview with Krista Tippett, “our idea of what is normal in love is so not normal. We have this idea of what love is and then these very, very unhelpful narratives of love”.

And honestly, I’m starting to think he’s right… It seems our society has traditionally had a very bad habit of sculpting a shiny narrative and condoning the farce, forcing each of us to lie to one another and also to ourselves. Humans have a horrible habit of perpetuating a construct, but I honestly haven’t figured out why? Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we simply lived authentically, regardless of fear of judgment? Would our children be happier if they realized that maybe they aren’t failing at life because we’ve all had our fair share of issues and problems? If we let them see the problems…

Before I get down to brass tacks, I’d like to express that my job is in no way whatsoever to judge anyone for their experiences or their choices. I genuinely appreciate any willingness to be open with me and discuss, at length, personal stories. I believe that if we were each brave enough to live in our authenticity, we’d probably live much fuller, freer lives. Maybe we’d have less depression, less ostracizing, less misery.

I recently had a conversation with a woman we’ll refer to as “Amber” who has been having an extramarital affair for five years. When I first asked Amber to share her story with me, the very first words out of her mouth were that she, “is really in love with two people”.

Amber possesses a stark beauty, one married with a mellow, calm demeanor. She’s not typically over-animated nor talkative to those she doesn’t know well, but can be quite low-key funny at times. She’s rather reserved, but knowing her helps me understand the person behind the quiet façade, so it’s easier for me to see the pieces of her that probably aren’t generally visible to others.

To understand how Amber arrived at such a place, we started out the conversation by talking about her experiences beginning in childhood. Amber’s mother was married three different times, but according to Amber, she never saw her mother show any affection whatsoever to her significant other. In short, her mother withheld affection not only from her husbands, but also from Amber herself.

“The last time my mom said I love you, it literally made me freeze. When I was growing up, there were never any hugs. No ‘I love you’ – no verbal affection whatsoever” she said. “Maybe if I’d known what [marriage] could be, or that love was a real thing… maybe if someone had communicated with me about it, or I’d seen it with my own eyes, then I’d have known that you don’t have to settle.”

Amber was married once before at the age of 19. In listening to her describe how she ended up married to her first husband, it could be summed up, really, by saying that she pretty much just let it happen. Her first husband was 10 years older than she was and exhibited a plethora of emotional and physical abuse towards her. The story itself is rather dramatic and full of sordid details including lies, weapons, death threats, and police. But for the sake of anonymity, I won’t go into the details. Amber said that she knew the marriage was a mistake the day after she said “I do”. It might be hard to understand the sentiment, but oftentimes when someone is trapped in the cycle of abuse, there’s an inability to feel as if she is empowered to make her own decisions or to think clearly.

It was during the chaos that Amber met her second future husband, Steve. The highs and lows and turmoil she endured toward the end of her first marriage led Amber to feel safe and secure with Steve. He was introduced to her through mutual friends, and he offered her some semblance of protection with regard to escaping her first marriage. Steve knew what she was going through and showed her kindness and strength during a very scary time for a 20-year old girl. Like her first husband, Steve was much older than Amber, which she muses over.

“He was calm and strong and put together. I saw him as a kind of security – and as a possibility to have a normal life that wasn’t full of financial struggles and having a total piece of shit for a husband. He was offering me protection and I just let a relationship with him happen because that’s what I thought I had to do – find a husband.”

From the very beginning, sex wasn’t a huge part of her relationship with Steve.

“We’d only had sex twice within the first 6 months of our relationship, and after the second time, I became pregnant with my first child” she said. The next time we had sex, I was 5 months pregnant – that’s how often we had sex”.

In the beginning of their marriage, Steve was hardly ever around. He was involved in a lot of extracurricular things that he had interest in and would spend the weeks at work and the weekends doing what he wanted to do.

Over the years, Amber eventually had a second child and often complained to Steve that she felt like she was raising their children alone.

“Steve and I had a good marriage until year 10. Well, we had a good marriage because we didn’t fight because I just sat down and shut-up. He was always gone, always doing whatever he wanted to do, so he was never really around. When he was around, I didn’t speak up or get heard so I decided to man up and take care of everything myself”.

By year 10, Amber decided she didn’t want to be Steve’s professional babysitter anymore and demanded that Steve become a bigger part of their lives. But, at the same time, she’d already grown angry. tired. burned out. She’d already decided that she wanted out.

“This is the exact same time I met Charles. At that time, there was no one helping me with anything. Steve was gone, and I was working, had two small kids, and he didn’t even fix anything at the house. I was giving all of my energy away, but there was no one pouring into me” she said. “I just wasn’t happy”.

“Before I met Charles, I was always iffy on the idea of soulmates, but the first time I met him, something inside of me clicked and unlocked. I thought, ‘oh my God’… this person could be my person”.

From the moment Amber met Charles, there was an immediate physical, sexual attraction. With Steve, she’d never felt any of the stirrings of intimacy and thought it wasn’t something she’d ever know.

“I’d never had an orgasm before” she admitted. “In my marriage, it was something I believed was never going to happen for me. When I first married Steve, I told him that sex was just what you did to get off, and I never understood the deeper connection that can exist behind a sexual relationship with someone. Now I do. It’s not just the sexual part. It’s not just getting off and I understand that now. It’s more than just physical – it’s the connection. I think there’s something to be said about doing that with someone you’re really passionate about and you really love them and care about them”.

Listening to Amber talk about Charles brought tears to my eyes. I understand the deep love and connection and passion she’s talking about – I’ve felt that before. I could truly feel the love she possesses for Charles as she spoke; it was palpable in the way she described him and the in description of how she felt about him. Her eyes shone when she said his name, “Charles is my best friend, and I can’t imagine not getting to talk to him every single day.”

Amber and Charles took months to move their friendship into the realm of adultery.

“To have sex with Charles was a really big decision. I knew I wanted it, but I knew that if we did it there was no going back. But I also knew if I didn’t do it, I’d regret it because I’d never felt that way about anyone in my entire life. Sheer attraction. I wanted to undress him. I wanted to lay naked with him. I wanted to do things with him. I wanted to be next to him and feel his skin on mine.”

Amber was surprised at her feelings for Charles and the attraction she felt for him. She’d never considered herself a sexual being nor even had the desire to explore her own sexuality prior to meeting Charles.

“In my head, sexual acts were extremely taboo. You didn’t do those things. My mom didn’t talk about that kind of stuff with me and I’ve never been comfortable enough with someone to bring it to that level.”

With Charles, Amber had a true desire to explore her sexuality, claiming that “for the first time ever, I wanted to be lost in what I felt instead of what my brain was telling me was right or wrong.”

At this point, perhaps you’re wondering what I began to wonder when talking to Amber about her affair. Why does Amber stay with her husband? She responded in a stoic manner that, ultimately, she doesn’t want to ruin her children’s lives and damage them psychologically.

“I would love to be with Charles, but it would affect two families” she said. “Weighing all the options, what makes me the most content is keeping everything the way it is, because I can survive like this. I don’t want to fuck my kids up.”

Here, I asked Amber if I could pose a question that she might not like, which she agreed to.

“Amber – do you feel like you could be emulating a false sense of love that will impact your children anyway? As in – are you doing to your children essentially what your mother did to you?”

She assured me that wasn’t the case, because she works to show her husband Steve affection in front of her children. She calculates when to touch his hand or gently stroke his cheek, so that her children will be none the wiser.

Steve is convinced that Amber must have experienced some kind of trauma as a child because he claims she’s totally disconnected from sex and doesn’t show him the attention and affection he craves. She’s never been sexual with him, and he has made multiple comments over the years about Amber going to therapy.

Amber, in return, tells me that, “it isn’t something that can be rekindled inside of me, because it was never there.”

“I told Steve a few years ago during one of these conversations that I want him to have those things. I want him to have someone who shows him affection and wants to have sex with him, but I’m not the person who can give him those things.”

I asked why Steve stays?

“I want Steve to be happy. If he ever came and asked me, I’d say okay… we can get a divorce. But I think he knows we’ve got it made. He has his shop, his garage, and his toys. Do I want to give up everything I’ve been working for all these years? Or do I want someone who scratches my head when I fall asleep at night? What I’m willing to accept and what I’m willing to reject… at this point we’re both willing to accept things the way they are.”

Her final thought:

“Steve and I have a good life… but I take away from that just by doing what I’m doing.”

Like I said before – I’m not here to judge Amber’s story. What is right or wrong or somewhere inbetween. I believe life is complicated and messy and incredibly nuanced. Her situation has been this for the last 5 years. It may always be this, or it may change one day – who is to say? At the very least, this post is simply a snapshot of the way someone lives their life. We can all safely assume that Amber isn’t alone in this lifestyle. Perhaps there are people you know well who emulate a similar lifestyle. The point is that this exists – it is a person’s story, and I’m sure some of you can empathize with one or two points of Amber’s life.

If the general masses knew Amber and knew her story, they’d stone her with the judgments borne of society’s constructs around what marriage is and the duties akin to being a good wife. But who are we to throw stones? Do we have a glass house? I’ve grown to believe that life is made of a little bit of black and a little bit of white, but ultimately it’s mostly colored in various shades of grey.

What is the most important thing to you? Do you want to live in the box as you’re told, or do you want to be happy?

Do we create more complicated versions of ourselves solely to fit into the box that was placed around the constructs of the kind of life society deems as acceptable and taught to us from birth? What would our lives look like if we weren’t busy shoving pieces of ourselves into said box?

May we be bold enough and brave enough to live in our authenticity; to share our stories, words, and thoughts for the sake of summum bonum.