Thoughts by Jen

I constantly tell people how long I’ve been single. Mostly, because I had no idea I would end up being single for this long — 7 years. I’ve been single for 7 long years. Now, there are some caveats, if I’m being honest. One of them is a two year caveat, actually… but the thing is, when he and I decided to date, we had an understanding. I was still reeling from my divorce, and he’d just completed his divorce when we met. I knew I didn’t love him, but he was enough at the time. I truly didn’t want to be alone anymore, and I was tired of waiting on Mr. Right to show up in my life. And Mr. Right-Now came along. He checked all of the boxes I’d written down on my actual checklist:

must have an excellent job

great finances

great sense of humor

witty

charming

capable

plays guitar (okay – he didn’t check this one, but I let it slide).

He really was all of those things, but, unfortunately, I just didn’t love him. I wondered if love could grow between us, but I wasn’t overly concerned with love showing up — because we had an understanding… or so I thought. 

What I learned with my two-year stint of Mr. Right-Now is that settling doesn’t work. A manufactured semblance of love just isn’t the same thing as real, true love – at least for me.

I believe there are many versions of relationships out there, and all kinds of things work for all kinds of people. For me, I was spoiled to real love, because I’d experienced real love in my marriage. I had truly loved, and I knew what it felt like to truly be loved…. and because of that, I knew that Mr. Right-Now wasn’t it. But I also knew that I wanted to settle at that moment, mostly so I wasn’t so alone. Ultimately, I didn’t feel bad about it, because Mr. Right-Now’s exact words to me were “we have a good enough thing going, and I don’t really feel like going out there and finding anyone else”. Romantic, right? But it was precisely what I was going for with him… and I felt that we understood one another.

Eventually, it fell apart, as it was probably destined to, and we both moved on with our lives. It wasn’t earth-shattering in the least… but it didn’t start that way, so it didn’t end that way.

After going through the motions with Mr. Right-Now and not finding contentment, I knew that settling wasn’t going to work for me. Because of this, I’ve been pretty meticulous about what I’m looking for in a partner. The best part, I think, about aging is that we continue to grow and learn who we are. As we gain age, we have the opportunity to gain wisdom as well. The art of self-reflection and pointed self-growth enables you to become your own best friend, really. And we really need to be best friends with ourselves and love ourselves so that we can generate enough love to start giving it to someone else, too.

I love Alain De Botton, a modern philosopher, who often writes and speaks on the topic of love. I agree with him, too, that love is often messy and it takes a lot of work, communication, commitment, and navigation. And how can we help someone navigate us if we don’t know how to navigate ourselves?

Perhaps due to my nature, I spend excessive amounts of time thinking… thinking, thinking, and thinking some more. Marry that with years of being alone, and you get someone who has analyzed and picked apart almost every corner of existence. Hence why I’ve started this blog – to get some of this damn excessive thinking out of my head! It also helps me get out of my own head when I listen to podcasts, watch videos on YouTube, and listen to audiobooks. I’ve spent countless hours listening to smart, capable people talk about ideologies with a slight bend toward self awareness. Since I have no one else to worry over, I usually spend time pondering how these ideologies reflect within my own life, and as such, I believe I’ve come to formulate a pretty deep understanding of who I am and what makes me tick.

I think, too, getting older and learning what you like, what you’re comfortable with, and the things that interest you whittle down a large portion of potential matches out there…. and again, marry that with my hours of learning, analyzing, and reflecting, and you get an even smaller dating pool of potential matches.

I made my mistakes (or, learned my lessons?) early, so by the time I was divorced at 28, many of my peers were actually just starting to marry…. so again – subtract the newlyweds and committed from that pool, and you’re left with an extremely low population of potentials.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone on dates and spent time here and there with men, but I always knew they weren’t right for me. After a few years, people started telling me “you know you’re never going to find a perfect man”…. ie you should probably just pick one and stick with it.

My 23 year-old niece actually made a comment about me “settling down”, which I found particularly hilarious… as if I’m some kind of 20-something young buck who’s gallivanting around!

A guy I dated earlier this year started waving red flags pretty early on. Almost immediately I told my girlfriend that I thought he had narcissistic tendencies and that it wasn’t going to work out. She encouraged me to see how things evolved, and within a few months, one day I simply blocked him on all mediums and went about my business. Of course, you don’t know the situation or the story, but the only example I’ll share with you (because his existence isn’t all that interesting, really) is that once at dinner, while I was talking, he told me to “hush and eat your food”.

I mean, we’d been dating for two months – what would year 10 look like? I honestly don’t care that he wanted me to hush, but I’d rather be with someone who is interested in what I have to say. To talk, to share, to laugh, to create joy with someone! Clearly, that wasn’t in the cards for us. It wasn’t worth investing in him when I wasn’t receiving proper fulfillment from giving him my time. As Cleere Cherry Reaves says, “where we choose to invest will determine how much fulfillment we experience”. Regardless of who said what to whom and how I felt about his shushing tendencies, we just simply didn’t match.

So I really began to wonder if it’s me? I’m definitely quirky – that’s for sure. I care too much sometimes. I have an opinion on everything, and I am a problem-solver. I want to fix all the systems! And I know that comes across as annoying much of the time. But, unfortunately, I am me! I will always be me – and I realized that as I age, I’ll continue to whittle down extraneous pieces of myself and mold into the core of who I am… and what are the chances that I’ll meet someone who likes that true core of myself?

Wouldn’t it be narcissistic to think I’m so unique that I won’t find someone who fits me? I can’t really be the only person who is like this.

I tried dating apps here and there – and they are extremely difficult (for me) in that I like to gain a true sense of someone by ‘feeling’ their energy. And that simply isn’t possible to do via a flat screen. And I believe you lose some of the mystery in getting to know someone when intentions are so forward and blatantly pointed towards one thing… It just didn’t work well for me.

And then recently, out of nowhere, a man appeared right in front of me at a Bourbon party. He was handsome, well dressed, and had the coolest shoes I think I’ve ever seen a man wear in real life. He had a quirky, quiet charm about him that made me want to dig in a little deeper. That night, at the party, we were standing in a group of people talking, and suddenly he used the word ‘assuage’ in a sentence, and boy did he catch my attention! I literally said, “who the hell are you”?

Later that night, I told him my one, single joke that I can remember, and he figured out the punch line… I’ve been telling this same joke for years, and NO ONE has ever solved it. Not one soul. He had me hook, line, and sinker…

We spent hours together that night, still drinking in a bar long after everyone else had gone home… he was like a magnet to me – I was drawn to him… still am. I love that he literally just appeared right in front of me and hasn’t left my life since that moment.

This quiet, charming cowboy and I haven’t been seeing one another very long, but going through this ‘finding a new person’ phase with him has me thinking particularly about the idea of conscientiously falling in love with someone. Purposefully, pointedly, particularly formulating an attachment to someone else and being cognizant of exactly what you’re doing.

Spending all of those years thinking, reading, learning, analyzing, and growing… hoping. waiting.

Knowing exactly who you are and what you want and what you deserve and what you need and what you can live with… and then waiting on your person to show up in your life. And truly waiting. Not settling. Knowing that you’d be an absurdist to believe you are too unique to find a match… which means your other half is out there. They exist – and the Universe will put them into your life – and it’ll be amazing and wonderful and beautiful and so worth the wait.

It’s mindblowing, really.

It’s so new – but it feels like having the opportunity to start again; starting anew, armed with the knowledge that you need and the grace that you earned to relish in the act of purposefully loving someone and building something beautiful with them.

Maybe that’s how some people started their first love? Maybe they were lucky from the beginning… but I feel lucky now. And that is something I am grateful for.

And, after all my trials and errors and failures and tears, I know, wholeheartedly, not to take this small moment of joy for granted. I am so thankful for finding someone who loves the things I love and might make my life a little fuller for however long I am so lucky.

May we all move in love ❤