I wear a mandala chain around my neck that reminds me each day that, “I Am Worthy”. ❤

Recently, I wrote at length about growing up in a home where my identity was prescribed to me from birth as being worthless. As children, we are born into this world completely innocent, totally void of knowledge, power, strength, and identity.

It is, therefore, incumbent upon our parents to instill in us who we are and guide us through our early years into some semblance of stability. In my case, I was told, almost daily, that I was unworthy of being loved. It wasn’t exactly said in that way, but shown through words of degradation and acts of harm. Through growing up in this environment, my narrative and personal identity was set for me from the day I entered this world.

Over the years, through my young adulthood, I struggled greatly with the idea of worthiness. Throughout high school and college, I felt that I didn’t really belong to any group of people and never cared much for having more than a friend or two that I felt I could truly trust. I certainly had no ‘tribe’ at home to speak of.

I felt totally distant and separate from those around me; really, I was leading a double life. I had my abusive home life full of negativity and chaos, and I had my school life where I was seen, mostly, as a quasi-popular, funny, sassy individual who really didn’t have many problems flitting around from social group to social group. I was a bit of an ugly duckling, so I wasn’t the ‘prettiest’ per se, but through my biting humor and gregarious disposition, I generally had no issues making friends or being invited to parties. In fact, I guarantee that if the people I went to high school with read my posts, some of them would be genuinely surprised. I got really good at compartmentalizing the varied versions of myself so that I could continue hiding my secrets from the world around me.

But even still – on the inside, I *knew* that I was separate from the others… that the “real me” was something grotesque and unlovable. In retrospect, I’m certain that other kids at school had their own issues they were dealing with, but we hide the ugly parts of ourselves, don’t we? Especially during our teen years – we want, desperately, to fit in with the others, and to be the shining, beautiful version of self that we eagerly project to those in our midst.

I don’t really want to dedicate another post to analyzing my past self through descriptions of the abuse I endured, but I did want to lay out a few paragraphs of the how and the why my personal identity formulated into a false sense of unworthiness. If you want more details, I urge you read the post “Who is Love“? in which I talk a little more about my childhood and growing up being exposed to various forms of abuse.

Suffice to say, I grew up struggling greatly and consequently spent years battling demons of unworthiness.

But over the last 15 years or so, I’ve worked pretty hard on squelching those untruths that were beaten into my spirit during my childhood and teen years. I’ve spent over half of my life trying to undo much of the psychological damage that was inflicted upon me, and I want to talk about some illuminating factors I’ve discovered regarding the dangers of believing the lies of abuse and allowing those lies to assist in creating your identity.

Don’t Let Them Lie To You

There are always going to be haters out there who are neither kind nor supportive to you. That’s a fact of life. Let them hate! I have learned over the years (and we’ve heard this so often, it’s almost un-attributable) that hurt people hurt people. And it’s so very true.

Someone who is working to tear you down is doing so only out of fear or self-loathing. I decided long ago to practice empathy towards these souls. A few things I’ve learned along the way:

1. If you hate them, usually everyone else hates them, too. Trust me when I tell you that no one wants to spend time with someone who makes them feel bad. And if they’re the kind of person that showers others with hate and vitriol, they often spread the hate onto many… therefore you usually aren’t alone in your dislike of this person.
2. I practice empathy towards these individuals, because think of how miserable they must be. Misery loves company, right? That’s their goal – they want you to feel as bad as they do, so don’t stoop to their level. Show them love and kindness, because we want to treat others the same way we want to be treated. If you have a hard time stomaching this thought – think of it as doing it for your own benefit. You get what you give, so give love and kindness. Nothing disarms a negative attack faster than reciprocating with love and kindness. It disarms the person and negates their attempt to have power over you.
3. Almost every nasty thing that comes out of someone’s mouth with the intent to hurt you is a fabrication. It isn’t the truth. While there might be some variation of truth buried into the lie (which is generally why it hurts), they’re manipulating you to feel bad about yourself so that you’ll either submit to what they want or you will doubt yourself to the point of not letting your light shine so brightly.

It’s shocking to me how many people out there try to manipulate you. When your light is shining bright, others often want whatever it is that you have. They don’t understand that we all have access to joy and light and brightness, but it is earned. They can never take it from you to light their own – they can only dim your light. True light has to come from the inside.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within”. – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Listen to me: march to the beat of your own freaking drum. If they can’t get in-step or they don’t like your music – they’re not for you. Do. Not. Settle. Trust yourself – and if you have to, be your own best friend and support system until you find individuals worthy of your time. Someone of value who loves you will work to build you up – never to tear you down. And if it’s someone that you can’t get away from (ie your mother), practice empathy every single time they work to hurt you, because you know that they are the real problem, not you.

We are all beautiful and have something of value to add to this life. Even you. Do not let anyone ever tell you differently.

I think it’s important to reiterate that your love and your goodness and your joy and your happiness and your worthiness come from the inside.

“You do not find the happy life. You make it.”

― Camilla Eyring Kimball

Forgiveness is for your sake

When I was younger, I swore I’d never forgive my grandfather for what he did to me. While I still don’t understand his choice to inflict pain upon a child, I can empathize with the fact that he was probably hurt as a child too. There were stories about a great uncle who hurt children, and as I aged, I realized that my grandfather could have suffered at the hands of someone just as he inflicted suffering upon me.

I was so angry for so many years. But, ultimately, I realized that harboring anger and resentment actually enabled that pain to stay inside of me and enabled my ability to continue to suffer at his hands.

While it may seem counterintuitive or selfish, forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about freeing yourself of their memory and the pain they caused you.

In Hawaiian culture, there exists a practice of forgiveness called Hoʻoponopono, which Mary Kawena Pukui & Samuel H. Elbert define as a “mental cleansing: family conferences in which relationships were set right through prayer, discussion, confession, repentance, and mutual restitution and forgiveness” in their work Hawaiian Dictionary (pg. 341). I believe the most important words within that definition are ‘mutual restitution‘.

I’ve mentioned the idea of reciprocity in a previous post, where I talk about how the concept of reciprocity is buried in so much – the golden rule, the old adage ‘you reap what you sow’, and the first line of the Emerald Tablet, ‘as above so below’. In my line of thinking, this concept is a karmic belief in which we truly receive whatever it is we’re putting out into the universe. To feel forgiveness, you have to generate it. When you’re giving, you’re getting.

Ho’oponopono is seemingly similar in that we’re forgiving for the benefit of the other, but also for the benefit of ourselves… Dr. Matt James studied Ho’oponopono when earning his PhD in Integrative Health Psychology and wrote a great article regarding the practice, what it means, and the research he’s performed on the topic. Delve deep if you’d like to learn more about the ritual and its restorative properties.

Being the Best Version of Yourself

It’s worth noting that we, as humans, need to strive to become the best version of ourselves if we want to build our personal self worth and improve our personal identity. This is a really hard world to live in, full of egoists, judgment, and never-ending comparison. I don’t think any of us are going to find our full potential if we feel out of balance or out of whack in certain areas of our lives.

For me, I’ve found there to be a core group of areas in which I strive to maintain balance:

Physical (exercise, diet, health)

Mental (clarity of mind)

Spiritual (inner peace – metaphysical)

Emotional (inner peace – physical)

I’m going to be honest here – everything listed above is a dedicated, life-long practice of striving to be your best self.

I’ve talked before about finding strategies to manage my PTSD, and it’s by finding a balance with the 4 components listed above.

Exercising and taking care of my body, reading and learning to improve my mind, meditation and prayer to improve my spirit, and understanding myself to process my emotions in an effort to receive the information they’re sending me.

There isn’t much about working towards being the best version of yourself that’s easy. It takes diligence, commitment, patience, practicality, effort, time, and a plethora of other practices to find your best self.

But I want to let you in on a secret – if you’re striving to be the best version of yourself that you can be, you have nothing left to worry about regarding self. It is through the constant effort of attainment we can find power, we can find peace.

That means – you give a bit towards your 4 areas as often as you can. You commit to a daily practice of something and you give it all you’ve got… You don’t have to be perfect – but you do have to strive for improvement. It’s investing in yourself, and it’s a component of reaching towards a positive self image. None of us will ever attain society’s standard of perfection, because it doesn’t exist. But, trust me, if you’re employing the 4 methods above, you’re going to feel amazing, and you’ll find your groove.

You must take control of your life, yourself, your actions. You can be anything you want to be… but it is only you who can see this through to fruition. Self- accountability. It takes everything you are to fight the daily fight.

Practice Love

I talked a bit about practicing the art of love in terms of channeling empathy towards those who try to hurt you. That is a piece of practicing love, for sure.

But it’s a consistent effort to see every situation through a lens of love. One of my favorite artists sings often about this exact concept and she is where I picked up the idea of being an unfailing, incessant Warrior Of Love.

I love so many of her songs, but this is one from her first album:

This includes love of self.

It is so important to practice love and kindness towards yourself, too.

Step one: ELIMINATE NEGATIVE SELF TALK.

Don’t do it. Do not call yourself names or berate yourself or chide yourself every time you make a mistake. Be gentle with yourself – give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Instead, talk to yourself as if you were speaking to your best friend. This takes a lot of practice, but over the last 5 years or so, I’ve almost totally eliminated negative self talk. It isn’t benefitting you… if you’re trying to teach something to someone, they respond much better with gentle assurance, patience, kindness, and empathy. You’re no different from anyone else. If you want to treat others with kindness, you need to treat yourself with kindness first. You give what you’ve got, so give yourself compassion:

Tell yourself you’re proud of yourself.

Tell yourself you love yourself.

Tell yourself you’re beautiful.

Tell yourself you’re doing the best you can.

Give yourself a break.

Give yourself compassion.

Give yourself kindness.

The art of self love is a neverending, daily pursuit. As with anything you practice, you will improve over time.

Be Ye Not Afraid

I’m not overly-religious, although you probably can’t tell so far by my posts… I don’t feel like I really fit into any formal religious institution, but I wholeheartedly believe in the idea of God. I use the word God because that’s how I was raised… but I don’t mind interchanging the terms Spirit, Universe, Supreme Being, Oneness…. I have a very deep, expansive view of God and what that means. That will be an interesting post one day.

But I love scriptures and quotes from the Bible or historical texts or thoughtful prose. I love old wives’ tales and clichés and everything in-between. I’m a deep-thinking wordie and I absolutely love the power of words and their impact on us.

As a lover of language, I can’t help but use quotes and scripture and phrases and ideas to help frame what it is I’m trying to say. I find it impactful and wonderful to build upon thoughts and ideas that have existed long before me and to continually grow them into new thoughts and ideas.

Probably my most favorite scripture of all time is when Jesus says:

“Be Ye Not Afraid”

I have this written in plain sight where I can see it on a daily basis. I tried to find the exact scripture but “Be Not Afraid” is in so many different verses, it’s almost impossible to know which book, scripture, and version I lifted that from. But I like it just like that.

“Be Ye Not Afraid”

It sounds so bold. So confident. So commanding.

Apparently ‘Fear Not’ is actually in the bible 365 times…

Do you think it’s trying to tell us something here?

Fear is the number one thing that holds us back. Fear is the great detractor. The great inhibitor.

Despite what I was told in my childhood home, I have grown to understand that I truly possess the capacity to accomplish anything. That isn’t to say there won’t be things to overcome, prices to pay, and sacrifices along the way – but legitimately the only person standing in your way is yourself. You always have a choice to go out and fight for yourself and your dreams.

What’s stopping you? What’s holding you back?

Try to stop letting fear of the unknown hold you back. Over the years, I’ve spent hours analyzing the hows and whys of what I’m afraid of… and often, there are legitimate concerns involved – but often times, there really aren’t. Are you afraid someone will think poorly of you? Are you afraid they’ll talk badly about you? Will you lose your job? Will you lose your spouse?

What, exactly, is it that you’re afraid of?

How many of us are living our lives based on external expectations instead of listening to the still small voice?

Define your goals for yourself, and then spend every single day of your life relentlessly going after them. Fight for yourself – absolutely, 100% do not be afraid to love yourself, find yourself, fight for yourself, win for yourself. Dream big, and get out there and freaking do it.

You define your own reality, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he”. (Proverbs 23:7).

If you take these things to heart, I can promise you only one thing… you will begin to live a freer, more fulfilling life. The life I was given at birth tried desperately to chain me down and keep me from finding my true self… but over time, I have grown far beyond the falsehoods of my origins. I have found self-love, self-worth, and gratitude for my life and my existence.

May you be brave enough to dispel the lies and have the courage to let your light shine brightly, so that others may be warmed by your fire.